I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We are two peas in an std pod
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize