BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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