Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
