your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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