Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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