dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
