I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
