i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i think my cat just said my name.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
