where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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