Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The uberlube is also flammable
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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