Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
