please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
