I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't deserve a penis
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
