Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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