My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
