I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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