He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
