Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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