I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
