I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
