Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
