he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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