If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
