took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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