Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
