It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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