Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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