I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Randomize
