he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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