not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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