ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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