I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
