forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How does one acquire holy water?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
