Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
