how do flat chested girls get laid?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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