He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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