I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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