I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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