Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
