I wish they made helmets for livers.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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