I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
