she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
