omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
