you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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