Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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