cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
