smell my finger.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
