piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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