Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
