The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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