I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
