It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
