Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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