I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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