I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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