Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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