If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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