Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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