just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
