The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize