You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
