I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
