my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Randomize
