I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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