Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
