I think scott just propositioned me for sex
you didnt know i had herpes?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
