i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
