Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
