I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
