Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize